How to Talk to an Alcoholic: Approaching Someone About Their Drinking

Talking to someone about their drinking requires care, preparation, and realistic expectations about what the conversation can accomplish.

What You'll Discover:

• When and how to have the conversation.

• What to say and what to avoid.

• Setting realistic expectations.

• Responding to defensiveness.

• Offering concrete help.

• Taking care of yourself.

• What happens after the conversation.

Watching someone you care about struggle with alcohol is painful. You want to help but may worry about making things worse. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, support from loved ones can encourage people to seek help. However, how you approach the conversation matters significantly.

Preparing for the Conversation

The first thing to know is that preparation increases the chances of a productive outcome.

Before you speak:

• Choose a time when they're sober

• Find a private, comfortable setting

• Allow enough time for real discussion

• Check your own emotions first

• Clarify your goals for the conversation

Questions to ask yourself:

• What do I hope to accomplish?

• Am I prepared for any response?

• Can I stay calm if they react badly?

• Do I have specific examples to share?

• Do I know about resources I can offer?

What you cannot control:

• How they react

• Whether they agree with you

• What they do after the conversation

• Their timeline for change

• Their ultimate choices

Something to consider is that this conversation may be the first of many. One talk rarely produces immediate change.

What to Say

Effective communication increases the chance of being heard.

Express concern, not judgment:

• "I'm worried about you"

• "I care about you and I've noticed..."

• "I've been concerned about your drinking because..."

Use specific observations: Instead of general statements, cite particular incidents:

• "Last week when we had dinner, you seemed different"

• "I've noticed you're drinking more than you used to"

• "You mentioned regretting things after drinking several times"

Focus on impact:

• "When you drink, I feel worried about your health"

• "I miss spending time with you when you're present"

• "It affects me when..."

Ask questions:

• "How are you feeling about your drinking?"

• "Have you thought about whether it's become a problem?"

• "What would help you?"

Offer support:

• "I want to help if you're ready"

• "I'll support whatever you decide to do"

• "I'm here for you"

For that reason, the conversation should come from a place of care, not criticism.

What to Avoid

Certain approaches typically backfire.

Don't:

• Accuse or blame

• Use labels like "alcoholic" unless they use them

• Lecture or moralize

• Make threats you won't follow through on

• Bring it up when they're drinking

• Have the conversation when you're angry

Avoid phrases like:

• "You're an alcoholic"

• "You need to stop drinking"

• "I can't believe you did that"

• "If you loved me, you'd stop"

• "You're ruining your life"

Don't expect:

• Immediate agreement

• Gratitude for your concern

• Immediate behavior change

• Them to see things as you do

All that said, even perfectly worded conversations may not produce the response you want. Their reaction reflects their readiness, not your approach.

Handling Their Response

Various responses are possible, and each requires different handling.

If they deny having a problem:

• Don't argue or try to prove your point

• Restate your observations calmly

• Leave the door open for future conversation

• Accept you cannot force recognition

If they become defensive:

• Stay calm and don't escalate

• Acknowledge their feelings

• Don't back down on your observations

• End the conversation if it becomes unproductive

If they become angry:

• Don't match their anger

• Give them space if needed

• Return to the topic another time

• Protect yourself if necessary

If they minimize:

• Note the pattern without arguing

• Express that your concern remains

• Share how their drinking affects you

• Don't let minimization silence you

If they acknowledge the problem:

• Express support

• Ask what they need

• Offer to help find resources

• Don't push too hard too fast

If it seems like you're not getting through, remember that change often begins before it becomes visible. Seeds planted now may grow later.

Offering Concrete Help

When they're ready, practical help makes a difference.

Research options:

• Learn about treatment possibilities

• Find local or telehealth providers

• Understand medication options like naltrexone

• Identify support group meetings

Offer specific support:

• "I can help you find a doctor who prescribes medication"

• "I'll go with you to a meeting if you want"

• "I can help you research programs"

• "Would it help if I didn't drink around you?"

Resources to share:

• Information about telehealth treatment

• Support group options (AA, SMART Recovery)

• Online communities

• Hotlines like SAMHSA (1-800-662-4357)

What medication offers: Naltrexone is FDA-approved for alcohol use disorder. It works by blocking opioid receptors, reducing cravings and the rewarding effects of alcohol. It's taken as a daily 50mg tablet and is available through telehealth. This information may be helpful to share since many people don't know medication options exist.

Our article on how naltrexone helps you regain control provides information you could share.

Setting Boundaries

Helping someone doesn't mean accepting harmful behavior.

Healthy boundaries include:

• Not covering up or making excuses for them

• Not providing money for alcohol

• Not accepting abuse or mistreatment

• Protecting yourself and others (including children)

• Being clear about what you will and won't accept

How to state boundaries:

• "I love you, but I can't continue to cover for you at work"

• "I won't lend money if it's going to alcohol"

• "I need you to be sober when you're around the kids"

Consequences: Only state consequences you're prepared to follow through on. Empty threats damage your credibility and relationship.

Taking Care of Yourself

Supporting someone with an alcohol problem is exhausting.

Self-care is essential:

• You cannot control their drinking

• Their choices are not your fault

• You deserve support too

• Burning out helps no one

Consider support for yourself:

• Al-Anon meetings for families

• Individual therapy

• Trusted friends or family

• Online communities for loved ones

Remember:

• You are not responsible for fixing them

• You can only control your own actions

• Setting boundaries is healthy

• Prioritizing yourself is not selfish

For that reason, seeking your own support is part of the process, not a distraction from it.

What Happens After

One conversation is rarely the end.

If they seek help:

• Offer ongoing support

• Celebrate progress without pressure

• Be patient with setbacks

• Continue your own self-care

If nothing changes immediately:

• This is common and expected

• Don't give up after one conversation

• Continue expressing concern when appropriate

• Maintain your boundaries

• Take care of yourself

When to seek additional help:

• If their drinking is dangerous

• If there are safety concerns

• If you need guidance

• If your own wellbeing is suffering

Consider consulting professionals, such as therapists or addiction specialists, for guidance on how to support your loved one.

Moving Forward

Talking to someone about their drinking is difficult, but your concern matters. Plant seeds of awareness, offer resources, set healthy boundaries, and take care of yourself. Change often happens gradually, and your support can be part of what makes it possible.

If your loved one is ready to explore treatment, they can take the online Alcohol Use Assessment to see if naltrexone and the Choose Your Horizon program might be right for them.